No, really...I hate to cook...in Coos Bay

"Coming Up..."

2011-03-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

Pet Peeve of the Week:

When you're watching 'Top Chef' or 'Kitchen Nightmares' or 'Secret Millionaire' or 'Undercover Boss' or 'Amazing Race' or 'Survivor' or any other show that you LOVE.....Do you hate "Coming up?!"

I really hate it because I feel they show way too much, and I don't want to watch the "suprise" of the show twice!! "Coming Up" ruins the show for me....I usually mute it or just try to avoid any upcoming stuff.....

What do you all think? I think "coming up" is attacking Americans like we're too stupid to 'get it' if we don't see it over and over again. Does this make sense?
Grrrrr....that's what I say....Grrrrr..

Your thoughts?

- Monkey Artz

Amazing Melt-in-your-mouth Cookies

2011-02-25T19:49:00.000-08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

'ain't never gonna happen, babies.

I don't bake! EVER !

I've never made a cookie or a pie in my entire life...'nuff said.

Pineapple Chunks and Cheese

2011-02-23T20:17:00.000-08:00

Doesn't a nice big bowl of Pineapple chunks

with Cheese sound delightful?

Actually...NO, IT DOES NOT !

But..isn't it funny when you add these two items (cheese and pineapples) to a warm rolled out chunk of dough, add light marinara sauce, black olives, Canadian bacon and then shove it all into a hot oven....bake it for a while...it makes a delightful, delicious Pizza!

Now...these two things actually do go together! lol

SEAL FOOD (video)

2011-02-21T19:22:00.000-08:00

Seal begs Tourists for Fish (Food)

Avatar, photograph and script created by Monkey Artz

This video has been requested by my good pal, Sue

I look like Tom Cruise...FOD Video

2011-02-21T08:42:00.000-08:00

I look like Tom Cruise

parody of that one State Farm Commercial....
created by Monkey Artz ©

"I look like Tom Cruise..." insurance commercial - watch more funny videos

"I look like Tom Cruise...AGAIN." - watch more funny videos

Glossary of Cooking Terms Part II

2011-02-20T22:28:00.000-08:00

Glossary of Cooking Terms, Part II
created and originated by Monkey Artz ©

       ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER - when a waitress insists on calling all the customers:  "Hon, babe, sweetie, honey, sugar, darling, toots, baby, sweetheart... (wasn't there a law against this at one time)?
       CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE - When a new restaurant opens in your town and the Food is frickin' AMAZING - but the service is a nightmare.

CRABALEGAMINUS (verb. origin; America. pronounced: crab-a-leg-a-minus). - This happens when eating whole fresh crab; a leg is attempted to be torn off by the customer and instead of snapping, they yank the leg; causing the whole body of the crab to fly across the room and customer is left holding one crab leg.

DRAWN BUTTER or MELTED BUTTER - Do we really have to care about this all that much?

       GRILLED JERK - When you complain (which is not much fun to do) to the owners of a restaurant that their ribs are not flavorful and way too tough to even chew through. The owner disagrees and argues with you...and states that "the ribs were just made this morning and I cooked them myself!" Trouble, Trouble in River City...
       SPANISH-AMERICAN WAR - The new Mexican Food restaurant in your town has awesome, amazing service, but the food is horrible.
      VEGETABLE BEEF - When tomatoes and cows collide.

Monkey Artz ©

"If you try my recipes and do not like them, I really do not care."

HOLY CRAP! This is Good !! (video included)

2011-02-20T14:25:00.000-08:00

Super Hot Cheesy Chicken Enchiladas

original recipe by Monkey Artz ©

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (chop into small pieces)
Couple of celery sticks (chopped)
1 yellow onion (chopped)
1 red pepper (chopped)
3 cloves garlic (chopped fine)
about 12 sliced or chopped jalapenos
1 can Black Pearl large black olives (slice 'em)
1 can Whole Green Chiles (slice each in half)
1 can enchilada sauce (HOT)
Green Salsa Verde Sauce (Hot or medium)
2 cans Cans Campbell's Cream of Chicken Soup
Corn Tortillas
Shredded Cheese

In a sauce pan, with butter and olive oil...saute the onions, celery, red pepper and chopped garlic. Add salt and pepper.

In a different pan...in olive oil...cook your chopped chicky with salt, pepper and garlic. Cook until Chicken is not raw anymore. That's right.
Also, you can put some enchilada sauce in a pan...heat it up and drag your tortilla shells through the sauce. It will give it that zing.

Once the vegetables are soft...add the cans of Cream of Chicken Soup...let that cook more on med heat...if it's too thick, you can add a small amount of water and more spices.

Don't forget to preheat the stupid oven to 350-375.

Once chicken is not clucking anymore, add it to the soup and vegetable mix. and For God sakes, TASTE your mixture as you go. Bland enchiladas are just not any fun. Spice it up as much as you need to.

Take your cute little corn tortilla shell and put it flat inside one of them thar glass pans.

Scoop up the chicken mix and put it on the shell.

Add a good dose of HOT Enchilada sauce on it.

Next add shredded cheese and fold. (well, try to fold...with seam side down....don't make the mistake I did by buying extra thin tortillas...that was not smart on my part, because they ripped too easily, damn it)!!

On top of the folded tortilla, pour on the Green Verde sauce.

Slap on some sliced black olives.

On top of that lay the sliced chili pepper on it and add a lot more cheese.

Bake uncovered for about 8 minutes...then cover with foil and bake another 30 - 40 minutes. Makes about 8 small enchiladas.

This is hot, but not that hot. Add more jalapenos if you want it spicier! (like your man/woman)

Pic above is BEFORE it's baked - yummmmmm...cheese!

Completed project video included below for your enjoyment. Rated G.

Monkey Artz

"If you try my recipes and do not like them, I really do not care."

Holy Crap ! This is Good!!! - watch more funny videos

ICE in the Hood

2011-02-19T19:35:00.000-08:00

Buy some Popsicles...put them in the freezer.

Monkey Artz ©

"If you try my recipes and do not like them, I really do not care."

Glossary of Cooking Terms: 2011 modern (Video included)

2011-02-18T23:44:00.000-08:00

Glossary of Cooking Terms

   SSSSSMINE!  - It's mine! (has to be said with assertiveness)
   GLOP - kind of like a dollop, but I hate the word; "dollop."
   KEAESHUP! (pronounced: Kayyy-Shupp)  - Said with a southern drawl:   When someone wants something and you know you are not going to get it for them....just point to the location of the ketchup bottle. Meaning: Get it yourself.   Important: Do not smile and do not look at the other person.
    IF YOU'RE A VAMPIRE -  Skip the garlic
   BEIB - (verb, pronounced: Beeb) Like, I've beib cooking all frickin' day and I beib frickin' tired, maybe.  Originated in the Mid-west, 2010
   TRICK-A-CHICKY: A horrible intolerable disease you may contact from eating raw chicken. I suggest you do not get this.
   WEDGE - I hate that word in any form, it will not be used in this glossary. Just ask my sister, the other sister.
   NUTRITIONAL VALUE - What??
   THE BUGS BUNNY TURN-AROUND - When you're in a restaurant and the waiter/waitress just slams your plate of food on the table...and then walks away without looking back.
   'POOOON - When some one is talking with their mouthful and they point to a spoon that they want/need...however, the verbal contact is intelligible. Your response would be: "That's good, honey. That thing you are pointing at IS a SPOON. Now what is this?" (as you point to a straw).
   CRUSTED, CRUSTED, CRUSTED, STUFFED! - When everything on the menu is beautifully worded as sauteed, buttered, blended, melted, delicate or cherished. It really means: Crusted, Crusted, Crusted or Stuffed.

KETCHUP! - watch more funny videos

Monkey Artz ©
"If you try my recipes and do not like them, I really do not care."

Hey, you, Kangaroo! Where has your Roo been?

2011-02-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

The untouchable Sauerkraut grilled Sandwich

original recipe by Monkey Artz ©

Gather these items:

1 pound sliced deli-style corned beef (you might have to go to that one building that has food on shelves and stuff, oh, and has a Deli).
Baby Swiss Cheese (again, from the Deli)
Deli Rye Bread or Dark Rye (dark, dark, not light dark)
Sauerkraut (the kind in the bag by the hot dogs, you'll have to leave the deli area)

Now to build your amazing nosh...

Butter the bread...yes, butter it. DO IT! Put some butter in the pan too. Turn on heat about MED. Let the butter melt in pan as you are building your sandwich.

Put a bit of mustard or spicy brown mustard on the bread.

RESIST THE URGE TO PUT DISGUSTING 1,000 ISLAND DRESSING ON THIS SPECIAL SANDWICH !

Add some Baby Swiss.

Oops, I almost forgot the Kraut (the real guts of the hero).

Get some kraut out of the bag with a fork and drain some of the liquid off by placing the kraut glob on a paper towel. Helps not soggy the bread so much. Yes, put the kraut on the bread with the corned beef and cheese.

This is getting more fun all the time, isn't it ??? Are you ready for the REAL fun now? I knew you were, I could tell.

Take your perfect bread concoction and place in the pan at Med to Med High Heat. VERY IMPORTANT! Put a lid on it! This helps to melt the cheese faster.

Flip it over when spatula Easily slides under sandwich....cover with lid again. Don't burn it, seriously, don't.

Makes about 4 Sauerkraut sandwiches or 1 frickin' gigantic one.

Monkey Artz ©
"If you try my recipes and do not like them, I really do not care."

When Dogs make their own FOOD

2011-02-17T22:04:00.000-08:00

This chick-friend of mine once told me that her Dog has to have a special (not gifted) Diet because his stomach was so "sensitive."
I could not stop laughing....my answer to this was:

"Sensitive stomach??? DOGS WILL EAT THEIR OWN PUKE! For God sakes!"

Analysis:

The reason dogs eat their own puke is because they have very short memories.
For example: If you leave on a two-week vacation OR go outside and get the mail.....all dogs will be JUST as happy and excited to see you when you return (with the same amount of ecstatic energy) on both/either adventure. They have no sense of time. None.

Thus said...when a dog pukes on the carpet, (re-making his "own food" so-to-speak) ... turns around in a circle, like dogs do...and then they luckily spot a huge, wow-factor, warm, steaming pile of PUKE....The dog thinks:

"Wow! Who left this warm, yummy, scrumptious, unattended food on the floor !?? I will eat it! It's mine, alllll mine! It's my lucky day! Yum!"

TIP: You know, if you leave the room and don't watch the dog while he eats his own puke, then you do not have to clean it up later! That's certainly a PLUS!

Monkey Artz ©

Steamed Pacific Mussels with Fennel, Tomatoes, Ouzo and Cream

2011-02-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

Steamed Pacific Mussels with Fennel, Tomaotes, Ouzo and Cream

Yeah right!!! Like I would really know how to make this!! HAHAHAHA!
...don't think so - NEXT!

Chow-Chow Chicken Chunk-o Soup

2011-02-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

Chow-Chow Chicken Chunk-O Soup

original recipe by Monkey Artz ©

Stuff you'll need:

2 lbs ground chicken
2 cans chicken or beef broth
2 cans whole kernel cute corn
2 cans dark red kidney beans
1 can pinto beans
1 can sliced carrots
1 can mixed vegetables
2 regular onions (chopped, of course)
1 fresh (not rude) cut up green pepper
3 sticks chopped fresh celery
Garlic, salt and pepper

In a big ol' pot on top the stove....add this stuff: The cute little chopped up onions, the cut up green pepper, the lovely celery and one can of chicken or beef broth. On Med to High heat saute the fresh vegetables...not for very long...just until celery and onions become a little softer (and more pleasant).

As the veggies are swimming in the broth add salt and ol' reliable pepper.

add GARLIC! Lots of garlic. You can use garlic powder, fresh garlic, minced garlic...whatever you like the best. If you are a vampire, skip the garlic.

Once that's cooked to your satisfaction and you feel all happy inside...Turn up the heat and add the ground chicken. Smash it up with a spoon, mix all the stuff together well.
Make sure the ground chicken is completely cooked.
Remember, no one wants or needs the dreaded raw chicken disease: Trick-a-Chicky ©

Once that is all completely cooked..turn down heat to about MED or a little lower and...ADD the rest of the junk...

Kidney beans, corn, pinto beans, mixed vegetables, carrots and the other can of beef or chicken broth...if Soup is too thick to your liking you can add water and more seasoning or go back to the store and buy more cans of chicken or beef broth.
Did you remember to drain the canned vegetables before adding to the concoction? Opps, you didn't? Uh - oh. You're on your own now, I cannot help you.

Let this cook until celery is soft...about an hour? Something like that.

You can actually add/subtract any vegetables you want. I personally would not add cans of tomatoes...because it can turn your soup Pink. Who the hell wants to eat pink soup? I do not, thank you.

This is easy, people, easy!!!

Other stuff you can add as a side to this dish: Beer.

Thank you, Monkey Artz ©

"If you try my recipe and don't like it, I really do not care."

Easter Yellow Chicken Bowls

2011-02-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

Easter Yellow Chicken Bowls

original recipe by Monkey Artz ©

1 Dozen Eggs (I prefer Eggland Brand, but you do not have to).

Real Mayonnaise. (not gross, icky miracle whip-crap)

French's yellow mustard.

1 small onion (optional, because onions can make you cry and this is a happy dish).

Salt and ol' reliable pepper.

Put the eggies in a pot on top the stove. Cover with water. No eggs should be naked....meaning, water is covering all the eggs. Throw some salt in the water (makes the eggs easier to peel for later).

Put heat on super high...until boiling...

After water boils....let it boil another 15 - 20 minutes WITH eggs in the water...in case you were confused.

If you are really lost here...your goal will be to have 12 hard-boiled eggs when you are finished with this part!!

Once eggs have boiled sufficiently...take the pot with the eggs and put in sink. Run cold water over the boiled eggs for a while.

Peel Eggs. These suckers will be frickin' hot to touch, if you peel them right after they are in the sink.

Run eggs under cold water while you are peeling them...the eggs will be easier to peel running under cold water and not so DAMNED frickin' hot to touch! It's OK to swear here, really. I know, 'cause I grew up catholic. Catholic School and everything! (a good catholic would drink to this remark).

Put your peeled eggs aside....like on a cutting board, counter top, paper towel....etc...preferably not on the floor. If one drops to the floor - tell NO one and at least wash it off under the cold water.

*tip* As you peel the eggs one by one try to not to eat them ALL at once. But if you MUST eat some...eat in even numbers on a Tuesday and stand on one foot.

Now, are you ready for some fun? I knew you were.

Cut the boiled eggs.....are you ready....cut them in half!! Told you! FUN! Cut them in half the "long-way" and try not to tear the white part. TRY! at least TRY!

Now this only gets funner and funner! Now take a teaspoon...and scoop all the fun yellow yolk stuff out and then place the yolks inside a large Ziploc baggie. The whites will all be empty now and all lonely, sad and stuff. But we will get back to those bad boy whites in a minute.

Add to the Ziploc bag that already have the fun yolks inside...salt and lovely pepper. Add about a tablespoon or more of real mayonnaise...and then add yellow mustard, about 3 tablespoons. You want the mix to be MORE a yellow color than a white color. Mustard will add a lot more zest to the recipe. Who the hell wants bland Easter Yellow Chicken Bowls? (raise your hand, if you don't) <--- you have to raise your hand...HAVE to...

Oh yeah...the onion, if you want to add this...this would be a good time to do that....peel and chop onion into little FINE, tiny chunks...chop, chop like you've never chopped before and then add 'em to the Ziploc bag with the "others."

Now with the Ziploc bag zipped...start squishing all the yolks and ingredients together. Squish, twist and roll to mix the stuff together well. Now...very important.... TASTE! Yes, open the bag, and taste. Add more mustard, mayo, onions, pepper, whatever you think it needs.

After you have squished and mushed all the ingredients together to your liking...Squish all the stuff down to the corner of the baggie. So, it kind of forms a cone. Not an ice-cream cone, but a cone like in geometry...if you remember any geometry.

Arrange the bad boy empty whites on a plate, serving tray...whatever you are using....

Take your cone concoction and squeeze all the good stuff to the corner of that cone...then take some scissors and cut a small hole in the corner. You should have something now kinda-like a cake frosting thingy.

Squeeze out a desired amount of yellow stuff into the white bowl. Repeat onto each egg. You should have plenty of yellow stuffing to go around for each white bowl. And whatever is left you can suck out of the corner of the Ziploc bag. More fun!

Perfect! Now take a pic and put it on your FB profile page. Or post your pics to this blog...I would love to see your finished Easter project !

Should make 24 Easter Yellow Chicken Bowls...depending how many were eaten or destroyed before project was completed.

*Oh yeah, and if you're not eating them right away...cover and refrigerate.
No one likes that hot egg disease - Eggietrickanosisgastric.

For Heaven's Sake, People! Don't be a'scared...these are only Deviled Eggs!

"If you try my recipes and do not like them...I really do not care."

THE ONLY DIET THAT ACTUALLY WORKS!

2011-02-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

The only Diet that actually works!!

(scientifically proven to lose that unwanted weight).

Oh....you like that food? You really like it? You lovvvvee it? It's your favorite? It makes you cry you want it so bad. It's almost better than sex? You want to devour it? You're drooling...?

...then DON'T EAT IT !

Safety Warning....Not

2011-02-11T08:01:00.000-08:00

I am not going to post any "safety" issues re: "cooking" on this blog. If you aren't smart enough by now to open an extremely hot oven door and NOT wear an oven mitt or use a towel to pull out the hot oven rack then you're just a moron.

OK, but here's a few tips to help keep you alive in the kitchen...

Tip 1: Boiling water is HOT! It can, it will and it wants to harm you.
Tip 2. Do not place palm of your hand on top of a hot stove burner to see if stove top is on/hot or not.
Tip 4: Yes, of course you can lick the bowl with a large spoon....but do not run around the house with the big spoon still in your mouth.
Tip 5: If you screw up your cooking masterpiece, don't swear at the stove; it cannot hear...yell at the dog or the TV instead.

There will be no NUTRITIONAL Values or helpful diet hints on this Blog...so just get over it.

Thank you, Monkey Artz.
"If you try these recipes and do not like them, I really do not care..."

Tuna Fish Cucumber Salad

2011-02-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

TUNA FISH CUCUMBER SALAD

4 cans "good brand" Tuna or fresh Tuna (if you have it)
1 or 2 cans of large Black Olives
4 fresh Cucumbers (not the moldy, skinny ones)
2 Onions (this one's easy, everyone is familiar with "the onion")
Vegetable Oil
(or olive oil, canola oil...blah, blah...just get some oil...
the kind you can eat...not oil from a vehicle or someones hair)
Cider Vinegar
1 can water chestnuts
Sliced fresh mushrooms (to your liking)
Salt and ol' reliable pepper

Open cans of tuna and ....yes....I'm going to say it....DRAIN the tuna and then dump it in to a big ol' plastic, stainless steal ....or just a any bigass bowl. Add (chopped) Onions, add the drained cans of Black Olives. Peel or not peel (to peel or not to peel) the cucumbers and chop them into bite-sized pieces...add to the mix.

Add drained can of water chestnuts. Add the fresh mushrooms (or not, if you hate the darn things).

Here's the tricky part: Add equal amounts of Oil and Vinegar to the masterpiece you are making. Start off with small amounts, and TASTE...until it is the "tartness" or "nottartness" you like. Add some salt and a dose of pepper. ( I like a lot of pepper, but you, being YOU, might not).

And that's about it! Easy Schpadeezy. You can also add fresh green and red peppers to this if you wish. IF you WISH, I said.

And again, if try this and you don't like it -- I really DO NOT care.

World's Best Bacon and Eggs !

2011-02-10T19:18:00.000-08:00

World's Best Bacon and Eggs !

Buy some bacon (do not, do not buy cheap, crappy, weird brand bacon, buy from the butcher or at least a brand you've heard of...but not disgusting Black Label or Hormel or microwave bacon....sorry, but NO)!
Cook on stove.

Buy some Eggs - cook them.....in a pan....on a stove. Preferably in your own house or apt.
(WARNING: do NOT over cook them, just DON'T)

Eat

The amazing 2011 Chili Experience

2011-02-10T18:28:00.000-08:00

The amazing 2011 Chili Experience

Forewarning: You will need a lot of Chili Powder. No, really.... A LOT
(this recipe is for the smaller appetites...not 30 plus ppl)

1 lb Ground Chicken (yes, chicken, not turkey or pork or otter)!
1 lb ground hamburger (not the cheap crap)
1 or 2 red peppers
1 or 2 green peppers
2 or 3 onions
1 can of chopped green chili peppers (or whole and chop 'em up)
1 can of chopped jalapenos (if you dare)
A few green celery stalks (you have to chop them...duh)!
2 cans diced tomatoes
1 can stewed tomatoes (not with that weird stuff in them...just plain old stewed tomatoes)
2 cans Light Red kidney beans
2 cans Dark Red kidney beans
1 can Pinto Beans
1 jar of Chili pepper (at least 2.5 ounces)
1 can Chicken Broth (buy the good stuff, not some weird brand) On top of the stove use the same pot you're going to serve your finished chili out of. That's right. Med - High Heat, add hamburger, ground chicken, chicken broth, celery, onions and chopped red & green pepper. Also add about a half small jar of chili powder and throw in some salt & good ol' reliable pepper. Cook until meat is well done; since you're using ground chicken, you don't want to make anyone sick with Raw chicken and then they get that terrible disease: Trick-a-Chicky © Once all that junk is cooked...DO NOT DRAIN. (It tastes better if you don't drain all the good grease and broth out). IF YOU MUST...skim off some of the top grease with a spoon. If you used good hamburger, there should not be too much grease. Next, turn down your heat some and then add your drained beans (yes, all of them) your drained tomatoes (I say tomato, you say tamaayta)...add the chili peppers, or cut up whole chili peppers, add jalapenos (if 'ya want). Add more chili powder...and then...add some more. Put a lid on the pot, or not...doesn't matter. You can decide....I know it's scary for some ppl to make decisions, but I'll be there in reading spirit with you. Try to refrain from adding bland tomato sauce, water or tomato juice...NO, NO, NO! Have some control. This Doesn't take that long to cook...but the longer it can simmer on stove, the better it will taste, eh? And then you and your guests (if you have friends) can add fun stuff to the chili toppings later...like shredded cheese, fresh green onions, black olives, lovely sour cream, chives...whatever you wish! Makes enough for about 4 - 6 people....or 1 if you're that starving or lonely. Try it and if you don't like it --- I promise I will not care !